Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21 KJV
It was just one of those days. Right from the beginning. Life hits you smack in the face like a hoard of gnats. Any one thing you swat doesn’t seem to be accomplished or packaged the way you hope.
I woke up not ready to take on the hoard much less any one single issue that flitted my way. I kept smacking and they kept coming.
Any one thing that happened isn’t even worth mentioning….. spilled milk, pee all over the toilet, supper’s mess from a busy night before, stepping over toys, a sibling spat from the tiniest offense, the potty trainer’s accident, hungry mouths who need breakfast 5 minutes ago, running late, no shoes to be found….
I started out the day empty and it feels like I’m swallowing the gnats instead of swatting them now. They sink into my stomach with a heaviness.
Dread of the day ahead.
Just wanting to go back to bed and start over tomorrow.
I would like to say this rarely happens.
But it happens way more than I care to admit.
Starting out the day this way….I’ll be honest. It regularly ends in disaster.
Impatience. Short tempers. Spats. Tears.
The feeling of failure that wants to drown itself in a scroll through instagram or a treat shoved in the mouth while hiding in the corner.
Why don’t I have this today?
Why do I not have the thing that makes me “happy” like I should be?
Ready for the day and anything that comes my way.
Patient. Loving. Understanding.
Unaffected by the things that aren’t worth mentioning.
No single one of these things are a big deal.
Why does it feel like a “deal?”
It feels so big today.
Too much. Way too much.
I had it yesterday but I just don’t have “it” today.
Ugh. But I want to. If I could muster it, I would. But I can’t. It’s not something that can be mustered. It just is or it isn’t.
Today…… it isn’t.
If I’m honest…I’m embarrassed that it isn’t. I’m ashamed and guilty. I’m mad that it can’t be conjured.
I’m frustrated that I’m not limitless.
In fact, I’m limited. Ever so limited.
Limited on time, energy, capability, know how, and so much more.
And I’m never more aware of it than on a day like today.
I don’t like the days where I come to the end of myself and find nothing left at the end except for the things I don’t want to see.
I want to last forever.
To need but never be needed. To hope but never be hopeless. To be dependable but never be dependent. To love while never feeling unloved. To face fears and be fearless.
To limitlessly help the the limited. To know no boundaries and cure all ills.
To not be out of control. To be IN control.
To be like, well……………..God.
Because if I’m honest.
I don’t just want to be LIKE God…..I want to BE Him.
Like Eve. In the garden beside that tree ever so long ago.
She’s in me. I can feel her today more than most days. It’s the “today” kind of day where I feel her the most. Her needs, hopes, longings, and insecurity.
Her desire to feel secure in the midst of the temptation to be insecure.
To know all things and see all things and never be vulnerable or limited again.
My fragility and incapability is never so tangible as it is in this moment and moments like this.
I want to run from my own insides. To pretend its not real and I’m not as weak as I feel. To get past this as fast as possible. And be angry at any one person big or small who reminds me of this in some way with that small request that pushes me over the edge.
You see the real reason I am so angry. So desperate. So out of sorts.
Is because I am trying to overcome a limitation that is and always will be beyond my ability to overcome.
My expectations of myself are God like and I fall far below.
I find myself pushing past the boundary of my humanity towards the supernatural with my own grasping strength and will power.
To fill God sized needs with my human sized strength.
When I recognize my lack…. I can recognize my limitation.
In need of:
A deep breath?
When we recognize our lack, then we can ask Him to fill.
It is the spiritually mature who learn to respect their limitations rather than continually seek to overcome them.
There’s something about when I change my expectations on my performance and role, that the anger, fear, and frustration subside.
When I do my job and let God do his.
When I remember my incapability and his complete capability.
When my hope rests on his limitless as I remember my limitations.
When I let God be God and me be me. Then God can be God through me.
I feel like I can…Breathe.
Thank you God that you are God.
And I don’t have to be.
You are in the peace AND the storm.
And I CAN